


daydream in blue

by nagai



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, Space AU, anyway...., suggesstive sexual content but like?? very vague lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 19:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4072375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagai/pseuds/nagai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide kissed his stomach, whispered a promise, and Kaneki believed him.</p><p>* basically kaneki angsts about his bff dying in a crazy wild space war in space and also remembers sexy stuff: a fanfic by me. i hate myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	daydream in blue

**Author's Note:**

> space war aus are fun and so is making kaneki ken cry (ok not really i hated writing this but it’s whatever)

Hideyoshi Nagachika is dead.

He died weeks ago under the suffocating weight of war. His smile was buried under the dirt, the hands that used to hold and love were broken, and the laugh that made Kaneki Ken’s insides turn to flames was forever silenced by the grip of death. He wasn’t okay with it, he would never be okay with it, and even though his comrades tried to comfort him -- “ _Kaneki there was nothing you could have done” “At least you were with him in his last moments, he was happy, I just know it” “Stop blaming yourself_ ” -- he would never stop drowning. In his own hate, his thoughts, his memories, his grief.

The war was hard enough even with friends at his side. Kaneki had joined the militia reluctantly, only because Hide had convinced Kaneki to sign up with him. Because being a hero gave your name worth, according to him, though Kaneki doubted that was his real reason. Their commander Touka, their comrades in arms who both grated on Kaneki’s nerves and made him feel warm, the way Hide would bump shoulders with him during training and grin with a familiar twinkle in his eye, like he was sharing a silent joke -- it all weighed on him. Over time, it became exhausting living, but Hide was always there so Kaneki thought it was okay.

Then he was gone.

His fingers dug into his scalp, his white hair scraping against his fingertips as Kaneki stared at the wall, his knees pressed against his stomach as he tried to move out of the fetal position he had found comfort bearing in his sleep. He looked at the clock. 3:00 AM. He had to get up in two hours. He turned onto his side, bones creaking, and closed his eyes. He found it hard to sleep. Every time he did, he remembered. Nice things. The times on earth during high school when Hide would press Kaneki against the wall and shower his neck with hickeys then snicker when the teacher would fluster and avoid looking at him during class. When they’d walk home together every day and Hide would grab his hand and swing it merrily, all bright smiles and unadulterated glee, even when Kaneki would complain and whisper about people staring -- Hide never cared. Kaneki had secretly been grateful for that. Back then, they’d hide in the woods and pretend they were adults. Hide would kiss him after they climbed a few branches up a tree. They would watch fireworks every festival and Hide would recite really dumb poetry until Kaneki was red in the face laughing, but he’d let Hide kiss him anyway. They used to play sports, but Hide got bored easily so he changed clubs a lot, but he always found time to see Kaneki’s games.

His eyes squeezed shut. He felt something in his ear and he smacked the side of his head, but he knew nothing was there. All he felt were the memories and regrets and the words piling up inside of him, threatening to overflow.

They never dated. They kissed, they held hands, they spent every moment together, but they were just “friends”. In college Hide asked Kaneki if he should date a girl in his history class, and his face looked serious and a bit upset, and he looked angry when Kaneki lied and said yeah, sure, that’s fine, have fun! They didn’t talk the rest of the year.

Kaneki wondered why Hide asked him to join the militia with him. They talked again their second year of college then Hide asked if he wanted to go to space with him. “Let’s fight aliens,” he said, and it sounded like a joke even though Kaneki knew all too well how serious he was. “Let’s be heroes, you and me. Just like when we were kids except with more guns.”

Kaneki hadn’t been sure what to say but he signed his name anyway. He noticed that Hide didn’t touch him, he hadn’t since their falling out, and a part of him hoped doing this would bring them back together again. His commander Touka was hard on him, but after a mission that left him with white hair and some major PTSD, she became gentler with him. Just a little. Hide became gentler too and even requested they room together, which Touka granted.

It didn’t change things, though. It only brought more yearning.

_His mouth was on him. His fingers were gentle as they ran down Kaneki’s sides. Hot breath, warm tongue, a soft laugh that made Kaneki’s throat burn. His body shook._

Hide almost died once. They were on a planet rumored to be hoarding illegal weaponry from the enemy and they were attacked. Hide got shot in the shoulder. Kaneki remembered the warm blood on his hands, the fear, the unease in Hide’s face even though he told Kaneki he was fine. The burnt metal suit, pieces scattered and smeared with his blood, but most of all Kaneki remembered the whispered confession when Hide was being carried away to be treated.

“You’re tough,” he had said, trying not to break down as he stood by Hide’s bed in the medical wing. Hide had just grinned.

“Well, duh. Who the hell do you think I am?” Kaneki still remembered the way his fingertips felt when they touched the back of his hand, slid along to his palm, then gripped his hand tightly. “Besides, how could I die after hearing such a heartfelt confession from the guy I’ve been crushing on for years?”

_Hot. Hot. It was so hot. Kaneki was moaning and he hated how it sounded, but Hide liked when Kaneki made noise and he hummed happily at the sound. He trailed his lips so he could kiss his lips, his hands moving to slip to his neck and tangle in his hair. “Hey,” he whispered into the kiss, his mouth a permanent smile, “I love when you moan.” Kaneki had closed his eyes and murmured for him to shut the hell up, but Hide just laughed and kissed his face until Kaneki couldn’t help but smile, too._

He was strong. Kaneki was a top ranked soldier two years into his service, but Hide was stronger than him in more ways than one. Some nights Kaneki screamed in his sleep and he would thrash. Hide got scratches and black eyes from his night terrors yet every time, even if Kaneki was clawing at his skin in his nightmares, Hide would hold him and whisper and kiss him until he woke up. He would just laugh at Kaneki’s shaky apologies and hold him until he fell asleep again. He’d talk about going home one day, how they’d be heroes, how he’d marry Kaneki and kiss him in front of everyone -- “definitely Touka I swear she has a crush on you, man”. What worried Kaneki was he didn’t know if he was serious or not. With Hide, you never knew.

_He was warm. Kaneki pressed his body closer, let himself cry out when Hide bit down then pressed kisses down his chest. His hair brushed along his skin. His fingertips were light as they trailed down along with his body. Kaneki begged for more. Hide obliged._

Hide was strong. 

_Hide kissed his stomach, whispered a promise, and Kaneki believed him._

His screams were burned into Kaneki’s mind. The direct touch of the enemy, their talons sinking and shredding until Kaneki aimed his gun and watched its brains splatter onto the dirty earth. But he had been too late, and Hide was broken and bleeding and no whispered confession of love could save him.

“Hey…” he said, his voice weak, and Kaneki told him not to talk. Help would be here soon, but Hide knew that was bullshit and kept smiling and said, “hey” softly, again, like he was trying to remember what he wanted to say. 

“Stop, stop,” Kaneki said, his voice shaky and defeated.

“Sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize, just--“

“Sorry I couldn’t marry you, Ken,” he said with a lopsided smile, a choked laugh leaving him at his own apology. “I wasn’t joking, y’know. I wanted to…” he trailed off, seeming to catch his breath. Kaneki couldn’t find it in himself to silence him again. “I just wanted to go home with you.”

Kaneki’s throat ached. His body ached, his head ached, his hands and arms and chest ached, he felt as if he were dying along with Hide.

“We will. We will go home,” he promised. His voice broke. “You promised, remember? Don’t break your promise.”

Hide smiled, though it was much weaker. His breathing was shallow. Blood kept coming out and Kaneki pressed on his wounds to try to stop the bleeding but it wasn’t working, nothing was working, Hide was dying--

“I want to go home with you.”

Kaneki was crying. Hide stopped breathing and Kaneki leaned forward. Pressed his forehead against Hide’s neck. “Let’s go home.”

Kaneki’s eyes opened. He was on his back and his alarm was screaming at him. Looks like he had managed to fall asleep. He wiped the tear stains off his cheeks and sat up, steadying his breathing as best he could. This was why he hated sleeping. Hide wasn’t there to wake him up with gentle coaxing touches and soft words. Now, he was alone in a cold empty room with memories that were more painful than comforting. 

Why was he still here?

“Hey, kid!” Touka’s voice jarred Kaneki awake and he blinked at her sleepily. She leaned against the doorframe, her armor helmet tucked under her arm. She still wore her latex undersuit but she seemed prepared to slip into her armor for their daily armor check. Her hair was damp which meant she had showered. Kaneki barely had time to change into clean clothes.

“What the hell are you doing?” she demanded.

“Hmm,” Kaneki said. Touka scowled.

“Your alarms been going off for twenty minutes. The check is in ten. You’re lucky I’m not in charge of it this time or I’d have your ass on cleaning duty.” She pointed at him, but her words held less hostility than usual. She knew, she understood. “Just get dressed already. Maybe I’ll even cover for you, if you’re lucky.”

“Yeah.” Kaneki slowly pulled his covers off of him. It was so cold. “Thanks.”

“Just…” She hesitated, biting her lower lip as she shifted her helmet to her other arm. “Hurry up. And wipe that depressing look off your face. It doesn’t suit you.”

Kaneki forced a ghost of a smile. Touka just looked more upset so he stopped smiling and looked away as he pressed his heels to the wooden floor and leaned forward, letting his messy hair fall into his eyes.

“Yeah.”

Touka didn’t say anything else and left, shutting his door behind her. Kaneki stayed hunched over for a few moments, eyes closed, pretending that he wasn’t part of a reality where Hide wasn’t there anymore. Then he straightened his back, got up, and went to grab his suit.

_“I’ll stay with you forever, Ken.”_

Kaneki smiled bitterly as his bedroom doors slid open. He stepped out, tucking his helmet under his arm as he joined the messy rush of people headed down the hall. What a promise, uttered beautifully in the midst of passion.

_“I’ll never leave you.”_

“Liar.”

**Author's Note:**

> my first work after joining ao3!! im bad at angst as u can tell but this fic is mostly just me figuring out how this site works soooo. i usually write smut and fluff so this was awkward to write and even more awkward to read back but anyway pls leave comments about how fitting touka in full space armor shooting aliens and leading an army in space is. cause i think it's rly fitting.


End file.
